If There's a Rocket...

How I feel right now...

Two weeks later like a surplus reprieve
I found a hair the length of yours on my sleeve
I wound it round and round my finger so tight
it turned to purple and a pulse formed inside

and I knew the beat 'cos it matched your own beat
I still remember it from our chest to chest and feet to feet
the easy silence then was a sweet relief to this hush
of ovens, aeroplanes and of distant car horns

a fire, a fire
you can only take what you can carry
a pulse, your pulse
it's the only thing I can remember
I break, you don't
I was always set to self-destruct, oh
the fire, the fire
it cracks and barks like primal music

I said I knew the beat 'cos it matched your own beat
it's become my engine, my own source of heat
the sea between us only amplifies the sound waves
every hum and echo and crash beats my cave

a fire, a fire
you can only take what you can carry
a pulse, your pulse
it's the only thing I can remember
I break, you don't
I was always set to self-destruct, oh
the fire, the fire
it cracks and barks like primal music

Snow Patrol- If There's a Rocket Tie Me to It

I've missed Iris the last couple of days-

Not because I haven't seen her, missed her, but I've been sick due to allergies, and I haven't really talked to her the last couple of days. We've done our regular things- we had a good time with the babies this morning. Caesarion got to play and talk to Daisy and Lilly this morning- and he asked twice if Iris would bring the girls up to play.

Caesarion knows Iris. We talk about her and to her on regular occasions. Hell, he even sings her ring that comes on the phone when she calls! (it is very, very funny hearing a 4 1/2 year old singing Matt Nathanson :) The first time he started singing it, I was wondering what in the hell he was mumbling- the tune sort of felt familiar, and then the words "lips" and "hips" came out of his mouth- and I just busted out laughing. Needless to say, he's very comfortable with her.

When he asks her about bringing the girls up, I know it hurts her. It stings. It makes a wave of sadness wash over me, because deep inside, I want to ask that exact same question, but I can't. It's not my call.

Today, it feels like I'm treading water. I'm just trying to keep my head above the waves that are slapping me in the face. I don't want to feel this way. But then I hear this song- and it's how I feel, goddamn it.

I do think that she's stronger than me. She does seem like she only takes what she can carry. I feel that I'm the one that breaks and she doesn't. I am strong when I'm with her. I tell her how things are going to be all right. I hold her and comfort her and make her feel the best she can when I have to leave her...and then, a few days after that- I fall apart.

This feeling will go away. It's a bad case of the five day blues- as it's been five days since I've been able to hold her. I do hate this. Fucking can't stand it. Okay- time to put Emo boy back in the box- but I've always been this way. My first true girlfriend I had when I was 16-17 years old- the first one I thought I was in love with- when it was over, I remember taking all of the letters, the tokens of the times, and sealing them up in a huge box, sobbing huge, heaving gasps as I plastered it with duct tape, never to open it again...and, come to think of it, I don't think I ever did. I think I threw it away without opening it, after having it sit in the back of the closet for a year. I was done with it- all I have of that relationship is a few pictures that make me smile a bit every two years or so when I have a reason to dig through the picture box. I think that it's rather sad that the only true relationship that I had been in that I didn't give myself 150% was the one that I got married in. It's truly, truly sad. But, dear readers, we are only human- we make mistakes- sometimes big ones- and there's not an option, at least for me, not to keep going. So I keep going. I get through the hard days as best as I can. I try to float above the waves until I'm buoyed. And she always does buoy me. She's that lighthouse that I can focus on as the waves swamp me. Tonight, as she's so tired that she can barely keep her eyes open, she asks me to tell her a story as she falls asleep, so she can hear my voice as she drifts down. My girl knows how to make me feel good, how to feel useful, and I tell her a story about her coming up here in five days. Picking her up in the airport- holding her in the middle of the arrival area and forgetting that there is anyone else in the universe for those few moments...for there truly isn't. All will be right with the world. By then, she's asleep, and I feel a thousand times better than I have in the last three days.

...but I miss her. And now, to end this Emo blogcast:


I know I love you like the silvered gold of dying days
I know I love you like an ancient history brought to life
I know I love you like the sunlit water on your skin
I know I love you like the million times I never said.


Snow Patrol- Engines

Mental Health Day

Today, I took a mental health day.

Last night, I drove home from Iris's house in my normal Sunday fashion. I don't think I've told the general populace the end result of the ten days. You all know about me going down, but you never hear about me coming back up- well, allow me to explain.

I get down there about 11:30pm- give or take ten minutes or so. If there is the regular amount of traffic, I can get within three or four minutes of that target time. 654 miles in eight and a half hours. Easy-peasy. Going down is a piece of cake. I have my ipod all loaded down with podcasts, and the time literally flies by. My girl is in my arms no later than 11:45. Sunday night, I leave a 10:00 or so- I get home by 630-645- time enough to shower and go to work. Coming back is a lot how I would think the Bataan Death March was. Take all that excitement and energy that I had coming down, throw it all out the window, coming back to a place I really, really don't want to be-saddened by the fact that I won't be sleeping, touching, smiling, giggling kissing the love of my life....you get the idea.

The one thing that I do lots of is think. I think about everything. This last trip, I had three things that I wanted to discuss in depth with Iris. About half way through the trip- I knew that I was going to take a mental health day and stay home and write her. So I did. When I should have been sleeping, I spent five or so hours writing things to my girl- things that I wanted her to know my exact and detailed thoughts about. Hell, I had eight hours to think about it- so the ideas were pretty well formed in my mind. Once I got home, I spent the first couple hours sleeping, and then I wrote my girl.

It's murder to leave her. As we were eating dinner last night, she put her head on my shoulder, and I felt the sadness just wash over her. She said something to the effect that she just feels right when I'm with her. I told her that I feel complete when I'm with her- I'm not this shade bouncing around this big house.

About a month ago, Iris told me something that was almost paralyzing her. She was afraid that after this summer, if we have to do another year of this, that I'll reach a point in which I just won't be able to do this any more. That I'll still love her, be in love with her...but it will be just too damn hard. That I'll give up. I told her that no, I don't see that happening, just for the fact that it's hard. I told her that there may be other reasons why we would break up- we stop communicating, we start arguing and never get to the reasons why we're arguing, we allow things that upset us to go unchecked- those things would cause the death of the relationship- but not because of the distance...

I hope it's not too hard for her. There is a time limit. She won't be where she is forever- that much is certain. I want her to know, to understand, that as long as we work as we've worked for this past year, that whatever comes- I'll be there at the end, with my hand out- asking her if she'll take it and come make a life with me. The life that we know we can make together, with her being placed in her proper position- which is a partner, companion, and a princess. For she is a princess to me- a good, old-fashioned, dyed-in-the-wool princess that deserves everything that goes along with the title. A few miles will never take that away from her. I'm not a petulant little boy who will pick up my ball and go home if things don't work out exactly how I want them to. I won't pout and huff and stomp my foot and mumble to myself. I have conviction. I have a goal. And I will work for that goal, and strive and sacrifice until I see the problem come to its resolution. Once we reach that place, we'll both be able to hold our heads up and know in our hearts that we did what we could do.

And I'll be holding her hand at the end of it all.

My One Year Gift

So, as I told you yesterday, I was going to write about my one year gift that I received from Iris. So shall we?

On the night of the One Year, I write Iris a good, old-fashioned love letter that talked about my feelings at this time, what she has done for me over this last year, and various other professions of my love and devotion. It was a good love letter, and I'm glad that the way I write her hasn't changed over this last year- I've been known in past relationships to start off blazing, and after a few months, fizzle down to nothingness. The writing that I still do to Iris feels like it's the first time I've written it- and that is a tremendous thing- a first, actually.

In the morning, I get a text that asks if I have looked at her pictures that she posts on a well-known Internet posting site; one that she has used for years ;)

Over the last year, I've never been in any of the photos that she has posted. We've both put up tons of things that we've taken, but we've never put up any of the photos of each other. A few months ago, I asked her if I could put up her photos under the friends and family section of the photostream- that way, the people that I consider friends could see the beautiful woman I was in love with, and people who really didn't need to see them (eg. the ex's and a few others who would leak it back to the ex's) wouldn't get to see them if they decided to go snooping through the public photos that we post. She agreed, and I had a wonderful time picking and choosing which pics to post, along with titles and descriptions of what was happening at the time. She loved it, and I think she got a big kick out of seeing what I picked and what I said about them. It felt so, so good to post those things, allow at least a few different people that I consider friends to be able to see her.

But, alas, I wasn't up on hers yet. And that's okay. Did I want to be up? Of course I did. I wanted her to be able to show me off just as much as I wanted to show her off. I accepted it, though. She had some people that looked at her photos that she didn't know how they would react if they saw me there. That was her prerogative- that's her right.

Back to the story-

I hop on the site, go to my girl's photos...and I see two of us. To be honest, I kinda freaked out. This has happened before, accidentally, and I had to go and do some emergency housekeeping for her and get them off the site. Then I connect the dots...and I look at the side where all of her sets are- and there is one for us.

I sat there, dumbfounded.

I have an idea of what it feels like when someone wins the multi-mega-millions lottery. It just doesn't sink in for a while. You feel kind of numb. You see that it's there, but you've been so conditioned for it not to be there, that when it is, it just doesn't register. It's set up like mine- only certain people can see them. But there are people who can see them.

I'm not a ghost.
I'm not invisible.

What I was for the rest of the day was very emotional. I've written about how I can't wait for her to write about me- which, along with her photography, is something she is very, very good at. She's dropped some nice sized hints on her blog, but she hasn't come right out and said anything. When the photos were up, I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of relief. I do exist outside of our little bubble to her. It was, and still is, something that I've wanted for a long time- and there it was.

She's still feeling it out. She started with two pictures, and the set has steadily grown. If she felt half as good seeing the ones I put up with her in, I'm glad I could make her so happy. Because this does. It makes me happy.

There are things in this relationship that I don't like. I don't like that I haven't been able to meet the girls yet. I don't like that there are people who she considers good friends don't know about me. I'm sure that she doesn't like those things, too. I do understand, though, and just because I've been able to open up to whomever I wanted to doesn't mean that she can do it yet. I accept that. I've had to accept it if I wanted to continue in this relationship- and I do. It's been the most amazing year with the most amazing woman that I've ever known. I have felt invisible with her sometimes, and if you've ever met me...I'm pretty much not the invisible type of guy. I like to be noticed. I flirt like a fiend (which has been toned way, way down due to my utter and complete overwhelming desire for this woman.)

---aside---
Okay, this just hit me out of the blue. I'm warning everyone that the next few sentences are going to be of a frank and sexual nature. About me. If you know me and you don't want to know me a bit more...in depth, skip to the "end aside" portion of the program. If I've never met you- knock yourself out. It's fun to read stuff about people and their sexual lives. You have been warned.

I've always been a very sexual person. Whenever I've relieved myself, I would, maybe at the beginning- the very beginning, think of the new person I was with....along with all the other various sundries that I'd throw into the mix. That would not last long. I would then revert back to the usual standbys. This woman I'm with now....Holy Christ. Toss her into the mix, and it's goodnight Charlie. This girl gets me off to no end. It's been a year. More than a year, actually- but we'll go from seeing each other. A year. Everyone who reads this should, if they are honest with themselves, think, "Wow- that is pretty impressive." The shine has not worn off the apple yet, even though it's been rubbed to hell ;) That's how much this girl turns my crank.

---end aside---

and if you'd ever see me, you would say that I'm not the kind of person to blend into a crowd too easily. One of my old friends used to call me "Mr. Microphone"- I'm sure there are a few people who remember that toy or the Simpson's episode where Homer gets that. So me being hidden away like I was for so long affected me to some degree. Sometimes, I felt like I wasn't good enough to be allowed to come out on her end. This was just shite that was floating around in the old brainpan- and this this the place to allow it to come out. I hope that I am showing how relationship affirming this turn of events is for me. That by her showing people that I was the one she was with- that it was okay. It wasn't a bad, or evil, or dirty, or wrong thing. That it was a good thing, a true thing, a pure thing, a loving and respectful thing.

This was a grand gift for our One Year. It showed me that Iris will do the things that are important to me, to us, if there is ever going to be an us outside of what we have already created. That makes me feel really, really good. It feels like a spring rain, waking up the long slumbering flowers that were buried in the ground. Thank you, my Love. Thank you for your courage to open up our too private lives and allowing others to see that we are happy. I hope it makes you feel as good as it does me.

Okay- Really 365 days (+5) later

I've been looking over this blog the last couple of days...just taking a peek and reading some of the older posts. I hear I may have a couple of new readers (hello, you! Can't wait to meet you in person! ;) and in between all of the mind-numbing sameness that my days have approached-and always approach at this time of year, I decided to give the old girl a spin around the block once more- you know, for shits and giggles.
(I've decided that I've read waaaayy too much Stephen King in my life- I just figured out that the way I write on this is how he does the majority of his interior monologue stuff...well, I guess I could do worse than him- Thanks, Stephen, if you ever stumble upon this!)

Back to the reason for this post....really 365 plus 5

The last post on this blog was the day that Iris and the man she was in love with had seen each other. I went through the pain and the thoughts I felt on that day, along with all of the hopes, dreams, and ideas that I had at that time. For the next 65 days, Iris moved, traveled across country, and we talked as much as we possibly could. I knew how badly she was hurting- I knew what she was going through had nearly crushed her. There's a line in Say Anything, when Lloyd tells Diane, after they had broken up and she comes back to him, "One question: do you need... someone, or do you need me?... Forget it, I don't really care." And that's how I felt. I didn't really care. I knew that she was talking to me, sharing with me, confiding in me. I was going to do everything I could to show her how important she was to me- in words, actions, deeds- anything I could.

She had a plan to get a place as soon as she got into her new town, and we made a date in which I would come down to see her- for the first time in years. It was 36 days from when she knew she was moving to when I would get to see her. So I wrote her- every day, at least one page on yellow legal pad, my hopes, dreams, desires, my fears- I filled those pages with my heart and soul, my hopes and fears. I made a folder that had my directions, poems, quotes, little things that reminded me of her- and I began my preparations to see her.
Oh, and I bought her a few gifts.
Actually, about thirty different ones-
They were all things that we had talked about, laughed about, dreamed about doing- it was a way for me to make the things that we had been talking about for the last four months a reality. I wanted to show her that I was more than just mere talk. I wanted her to realize how I wasn't like the people that she had known who had hurt, dismissed and demonized her. That, to me, she was the most important thing in my life at that time. I wanted to give her things that she could see as physical manifestations of my affections for her.

The day finally came. I jumped in the car at 7:30 in the evening on March 13, 2008. I took a picture of the skyline in front of the apartment. I made the nine hour drive. I thought about what I was doing- how this was going to change everything in my life. When I did this, there was no going back. My divorce wasn't finalized- it would be a little less than a month before that would occur. If there ever was going to be a chance a reconciliation, it would be destroyed if I would do this. I knew I wasn't in love with the ex- that wasn't the issue. There are lots of people who are married who aren't in love. I was going to make my son come from a divorced house- just as I was. I would leave how I had been accustomed to living for the last decade. I told the ex a long time ago- in the first few years of the marriage, that if "she" would ever cheat on me, it would be over- no chance to fix it. And I believed it. To this day, I feel if someone goes out on a relationship in secret, without the acceptance and the other person knowing, that the relationship is so damaged that there is no salvaging it. People can live together after that- that happens all of the time- but the bonds that you once had in the beginning- I don't believe that you can ever reach that place again. The reason to be with a person- that you love that person more than your own life- that's not there. I couldn't stay in a relationship that I didn't care for that person more than myself. And, at that time, I wanted to see if I could have that with Iris- for I knew I couldn't have it with my ex ever, ever again, if I ever did.

So I made the drive. After a few wrong turns, I pull into her house at 5:30 in the morning. My heart was beating out of my chest. I was shaking. I wanted to see her. I needed to see her- just have her hold me as much as she needed me to hold her. I stood at her door. I knocked. She opened the door. She jumped into my arms. I carried her onto the bed and kissed her. I put my head on her chest, and kept repeating, "I'm here, baby."

I melted into her.

I felt home.

I still feel those exact things, 370 days later.

Lots have been happening....and not so much has been happening as well. Iris gave me a wonderful present that I'll write about next, for our One Year.

Here's to continued happiness to all that read.

p.s.- I see my girl in 48 hours!

thank God.